'Hullo'
'Hey Tinker, it's long distance. Tell Paddy it's New York callin''
'PADDY!' Matt hollered in a surprisingly deep voice. I'd been away for some time.
'I see your balls have dropped, Tink'
'Feck off Jedo!' and the receiver banged next to the phone.

'Yep'
'Wassup Buddy?' I said in my best New York accent.
'Jediiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!! How's it goen fella?'
'Good good good... and youse?'
'Same shit Jed, same shit different day. Still on de floats. Still strugglin' to find a pound note. And to fookin' top it off I have to get up at four tomorra morn' he grumbled 'Me Da's on de sick and I'm picking up his shift'
'Earning de dollars for Leoni and de kid to spend, eh?'
'Don't. Just forked out two hundred pound for a feckin' brand new pushchair. She coulda had me sister's but it wasn't good nuff for her highness!'
'That'll teach ya to keep your fella in your pants!'
'I know' he sighed.

'There'll be plenty of McCarren's roonin' around Dundalk for years to cum, whether they know it or not. If e's goen ta put it bout loike his da did, e'll deserve the best!'
'I know. I know' he smiled ' It's jus, well, it's jus deadard at the moment. I'm fed up treadin' water. If I could, I'd be over to yee in a flash and earn some real muney. How is loife in de Big Apple?'
'Not bad Pad'
'Are ya werkin'?'
'Started a newun today, I fecked de last one in on Tursday. The boss was complaining bout pissy lil' jobs here and there. I jus wasn't in de mood for it, so I packed up me tools and told him to stick his job up his arse. Jayz, I tell ya, that felt good. I made a few calls de next day and went out on de pish with Mal and Bird'
'And how's da man treatin' himself?' Paddy piped
'He's good...'
'Is he werkin'?'
'Well if yee let me finish me story, I'd tell ya'
'Sorr'
'Anyhows, I get home and Boycie's left a message. He wanted me to work on Satday. Well, I was in no form to get up at foive but I called him de next day and now I'm werkin' with Mal on a Job in Queens. Mostly cuttin' ceilin' tiles and building de odd sofit for piping - easy stuff'. 'Tere with a good crowd. The gaffer's dead on, loves a smoke. Most days I get a call on me radio "You best get building that Sofit, Jed". Soes I know it's time to build a joint and we meet him on de roof in a few minutes. It's a good laff!'

'PATRICK!' wailed his Mam
'IN A MINUTE!'

'And the sticky? Is it any cop?'
'Of course' I snorted 'It's top drawer hydro, man. It's good. No sticks, no seeds'
'Can yee get us sum? I've got sum love doves'
'And?'
'There noice and mellow. Two will leave you cruisin'. Four and y'ull be noice and soft, like a marshmallow!' he giggled.

It was my birthday in two weeks and the prospect of rolling 'round the city flying on a couple of pills sounded straight up my street.

'PATRICK' she screamed 'I HAVE TO LEAVE NOOH!'

'Here, Jedo. Can I call yee back? Me Ma wants a lift, as me ol' man's still pretendin' to be sick!'
'Sure. Give Maisie a tonguing from me'
'Ma, Jed sends his love'
'And I love Gerard too. Nooh let's go Patrick. There's tree hundred poond up for grabs at bingo and I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE! ...Ah Jaysus, it's startin' to pour I 'll need me brollie'
'Righto Jed I have to go'
'Righto Pad. I'll get that off to you straight away and make sure you pop those in the post'
'Not a bother. Salong!
'Salong'

Sure enough, within the week a big pink envelope arrived. Inside was one of those 'LOVE IS...' cards with a little boy and girl holding hands on it. Paddy had scrawled a note:

"Ready to beam you up, Captain! Love Scotty"

But there was nothing in the card and nothing in the envelope. I thought, at first, he must have forgotten to put the pills inside but that didn't add up. Paddy didn't forget shit. I ripped it open. And there, sandwiched between some sponge and what would have been the little boys bum, were ten 'Mitsubishi's. Fantastic.

Two days later and I was thirty and raring to rip up the town. The night started well and me and the boys tossed back a few of glasses of Veuve Clicquot before we dropped a couple of pills. We called a car service and were soon crossing the Queens Borough Bridge and heading into the City. Twenty, thirty minutes into the ride and I could feel the E kicking in. My head started to loll and my limbs felt all rubbery, stretching and shrinking like elastic bands. I looked over to Googie, he said nothing. His heavy eye and vacant smile said it all.

We arrived at Swifts, but I was feeling far from in the mood. These weren't mellow, these were 'smacky' pills. I opened the door to the bar and was met by a roar of people. They were all there, plenty of friends and some fine-looking women, I had every reason to feel top of the world but I was far from my usual, social self. I hardly accepted the pats and the hugs and the kisses and I retreated to the corner of the room to try and get some perspective on things.

Baz and Alan joined me at the table.

'Soes you're the big tirty now, hey Jedo?' Alan said in his think Dub accent. 'How's it feel? Cuz, if it feels loike anyting you look, I'm not looken forward to it. Are youse oroight?'
'No. I feel loike shite? Me, Bird and Goog took some pills and I feel loike me brain's dribbled out me ears'
'Here. I'll get yee a Red Bull and vodka. Wait here' and with that Baz rushed to the bar.

This wasn't going well and as I looked on the revelers with a sleepy stare, chewing chunks out of my cheeks, I could do little more than concentrate on me breathing to ensure me dinner stayed where I put it.

The crowd and the chatter washed over me in a wave of noise. My ears felt like seashells, finely tuned to amplify the rush of wind that swirled around me. I was so messed up that I had to deal with each sense, one by one. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, the sound of the bar collapsed into a chorus of whispering ghosts. Shit, I was really tripping out. My head started to flop and I felt a warm feeling slide down my temple to my chin. I opened to see Deidre brushing her soft, freckled hand across my face. She looked so pretty and I looked like a sloppy cunt.

'Are ya OK Jed?' she said softly
'Yeah. I'll be alroight. Jus need a minute'
'Would ya loike a drink? I'll get yee a Red Bull'
'Sure...'

But before she could leave, Baz returned with my tonic.

'Get that down yee. That'll fix tings'

I reached for the drink and I knocked ash onto the table from the burnt out cigarette fixed in my hand. It'd been years since I was this fucked up. I sat in the same spot all night, talking with people. I don't remember what was said. All I know was the night didn't end up the way I hoped it would.

Later the next day I called Paddy.

'Whatcha want Jed? I've got to be up early' he said groggily
'What de fook did yee send? Mellow me fookin' ass!' I barked
'I don't know what ya talkin' 'bout'
'Ya fookin' well do, you lil' cunt. And if I was at home I'd come 'round and box da head of ya' 'Look' he stuttered 'Jed. Dat's all there was. I'd run out of de Doves. I didn't know. I went oot on a benda and ate all dee pills. I went ta buy sum more, dey were all gone. But Mackey said he had sum top notch pills from his man in Dooblin. And the whole of Doob was ragin' for them. 'e said dey was ten toimes better dan de doves... I didn't even have enuff to buy meself sum. I jus sent tem'
'Well why didn't you say? Dey really fooked me night! Dey was full of smack...'
'I'm sorry Jed. Let me make it up to youse'

A week later some trips arrived in the mail. They were good. After turning the screws on him a few times, ensuring he felt thoroughly bad about the whole affair, things returned to normal. I continued to send him weed and he sent pills or trips or hash.

It was business as usual, 'til a week ago when Paddy called asking if I could send some 'good hydro', it was his sisters wedding and he wanted to something special. I immediately made the call and got the gear. I sat down made a little joint, got nice and stoned and got to work. I gave my hands a good wash to ensure there was no trace of the sticky weed on my fingers and laid out a sheet of clingfilm. I placed a bud of 'Sledgehammer' on it and then took the small phial of Kief and dotted a generous amount of it on the weed. If there was any one occasion I wanted a 'parcel' to arrive safe and sound, this was it. I gave my hands another good wash and folded the sheet over the goods, laid out another sheet sprinkled it with talc and folded it over the wrapped weed once again. I did that about six or seven times to ensure the sniffers in customs had no chance of snuffing it out.

I then placed it on a large sheet of bubble wrap and rolled and taped it into a squishy ball. I gave it a squeeze, it felt fun and bouncy. It was anything but illicit. I stuffed that into a jiffy bag and addressed the package. I didn't want to drop Paddy in it so I fucked with the address just enough to ensure it got to the town and then the local mailman would do the rest. I sat back, pleased with my efforts and sent the package the next day.

When I got home today there was a message on the answer machine.

'Fair fooks to yee, yee feckin' schemin' bastard yee got me back... Now we're even, roight. Dhat weed yee sent was nottin' like de rest - it really fooked me oop. We was at de reception, and I nipped outside for a lil' puff. I hadn't tried it, cuz I was saving it for de day.

'It blew me fookin' head. I've never been so stoned. I trew a whitey and had to sit down. Next ting I know me Ma and Auntie were shaking me awake. Me lil' cuzin was laffin' in me face. I didn't know where I was. I was so cabbaged I wasn't able to dance with our Sandra. Me Ma and Da, they was ragin'. Me Ma's still not talkin' to me!' he sighed 'Anyways, now we're even. Gizuz a call when you can. Salong!'

I am Gerard McGrath, no one gets one over me.