As reported last week in the New York Times, monkeys have been forming tribes in Madras, India, patrolling the hallways of seven major government buildings and slapping cigarettes out of the hands of stunned office workers. Traveling via airducts, the monkey coalitions have been transfixed on extinguishing offending chemically-treated smoke products. The Washington Post reports similar actions in Chanon, Vermont, where litterbug slobs who discard food wrappers on the ground have been attacked by packs of wild Greywhistle Geese.

Goddamn, Kilogram... Well, all of this is nothing, compared to the latest Megastory of the African Honey Bees working in collaboration with the Pacific Ocean's great Humpback Whale. The bees are currently in negotiations with the whales to begin an Oceanwide strike, as it seems, to shut down operations of the world's population of phytoplankton. Phytoplankton algae are currently responsible for 50 percent of Earth's photosynthesis, without which, the planet would cease to have oxygenated air. According to interviews conducted by MPM's Ocean Data Brigade, legions of Bees have begun earnest communication with the Whales to orchestrate the unprecedented action.

By combining the Whale's Deep Drone and Siren Languages with the super mobile potential of Bee air travel, the two groups are coordinating a universal operation, whereas trees and land based plants would work in tandem with the ocean plankton organisms to slowly end photosysthesis. This should bring atmospheric carbon levels to unprecendented levels, with a slow browning to the earth's surface. At this point, the Bees will introduce new technology they've been working on in recent months that would convert all non - photosynthesizing creatures into an energy cycle that relies purely on carbon dioxide. All creatures, that is, except for humans, who will be trapped and gasping for oxygen.

Sheepishly, one young Bee Queen informed us, "Most of the animal world is sick of human bullshit." While they acknowledge many contributions of human kind, a majority of animals and insects are ready to try something new. "It should be fun," remarked one 753 year old Blue Whale interviewed by MPM off the coast of Guam.

Not all earth life is completely happy with the global massacre. Virus, who for centuries have thrived in human populations, have pledged to expand amongst certain animal populations. "We're not too concerned," said a Amazonian parrot, "we've got the botanical world backing us, and, well, tell the virus to remember where I come from. Rainforest, son, we got mad medicines!"